Who runs the world?? MOMS!! :)

I'm sitting here eating a bowl of Lucky Charms....trying to recover from a hour long screamfest.  No joke...it was a rough one.  I'm glad that's over...for now.  lol.  I was just thinking earlier about how much I admire single moms, or those moms who don't necessarily get any help from their significant other.  I seriously don't know how you do it.  And those of you with other kids in the house too...forget about it lol!  You're amazing!!  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am SO thankful for my husband and also my friend Jesica (who has saved my sanity on MANY occasion lol)

James and I have discussed having another child.  We discussed it while I was pregnant and we discussed it after I had Cole.  To which I informed James that if he wanted a shot at having another child, he'd wait to discuss it after I was recovered & my vagina didn't hurt! LOL (sorry...tmi) We really would like to have another child and we know that we would probably have better luck if we tried sooner rather than later.  Although, I have to admit, after almost 4 weeks, I'm still a little gun-shy.  I'm just really not sure about how I will survive another newborn while Cole would still be so young.  I joked that my mom would have to move in with us lol.  But seriously...she'd have to move in with us!! ;).  And I also worry about taking Cole's baby years away from him.  I know that's crazy.  People do it all the time (have kids close together), but it's one of my fears, nonetheless.  I have a lot of fears though.  But I'm hoping most of them work themselves out the more familiar I get with my new life :). 

Back to the title of this post....Who runs the world??  MOMS!!  That is for sure!  You never really get it until you are a mom, but wow!  This job is no joke.  I wouldn't trade being a mom or my son for anything.  And don't get me wrong, it's not all bad, not at all.  There are just those times where you hang on and try to survive the ride lol.  Hats off to all the Mamas out there!  And any other first time moms....hang in there :)

Starting again & what a way to start!! :)

Ok, so I've decided I'll start my blog back up.  I don't know why because I may never have the time, but if I use that as an excuse, I'll use every other one too.  I just have a lot on my mind as a new mom.  Fears, accomplishments, ideas, frustrations.....I think having an outlet is a good thing.  Let's hope so at least ;). 

First of all....I am SO in love with my baby!!  And he is really, really a good baby.  I'm blessed and thankful!  I've heard it said a million times & knew this kind of love existed, but you just never know until it happens to you.  This crazy, unconditional love.... it wows me all the time!  I hate that the majority of my motherhood so far has been riddled with a lot of fear & anxiety.  But I know it's all because I don't have faith in myself...ever!  If I don't know something for certain, I doubt everything I know.  I believe I realized today that I can do this.  It will be hard at times and I know there will be times I'll be exhausted & feel like I'm at my breaking point....but I KNOW I can do this!  :).  I just don't want to screw my child up.  Plain & simple.  So I will probably continue to worry about everything.  Is he in his swing too long?  Have I given him enough attention between washing bottles, cleaning & laundry.  Should I wake him up more during the day?  Am I spoiling him already?  Is he growing right?  And on & on & on lol.  But that's motherhood.  So it's normal, right?

I also feel very guilty for switching to formula instead of breastfeeding like I had planned.  I worried over it for a while, but I can't deny that Cole is doing much better since we switched him.  I just don't think he was getting enough.  But then my milk came in & now I wonder if I gave up too soon or should I have started back?  I think it's too late for all that now. So let's hope the feelings fade instead of turning into another regret I add to the growing list lol. 

Ummm let me just say right now that I have an AMAZING husband!!  Seriously.  He is hands on for everything & considers everything a joint responsibility.  Most of the dads I've known, are not like that.  I'm so thankful for him and there's no way I could have done this much without him.  He was amazing through the delivery & has been even more amazing now.  But I should have known he would be.  He's an awesome dad & he's my rock. 

Ok it's time to get off here.  I have clothes to launder & things I need to be doing.  So let's see if I've missed anything....  Cole's umbilical cord fell off all the way yesterday, his penis is looking great from his circumcision, he sleeps well & is only fussy for 30 mins to an hour around the same time every night.  I think that's about it for now.  Oh yeah, and he is WONDERFUL!!!  :)

God Bless!!!!

The Never Ending Story....

Well, I'm blogging because I have a lot on my mind and I need to get it out.  I'm sure those of you who read this will understand what's going on to an extent.  It's the same crap we've been dealing with for over 4 years now.  What ever is going on in her life, she takes it out on us.  No matter what.  We have bent over backwards and done everything we possibly can, put the past in the past and tried to move on with our lives because that's what's best for Makenzie.  But it's never good enough.  Nothing ever is.  I'm at my wits end with that one, but that's not what this blog is about.

Makenzie.  Poor Makenzie.  That's all I can think.  I wonder sometimes...if someone doesn't know what it's like to be torn between 2 parents.....then maybe they just don't realize the harm they are causing.  But as the law states, Ignorance isn't a defense.  I'm not going to lie, it has been so hard over the past 4 years that there are many times I wanted to wash my hands of this situation....and like my friend Erin said, not allow the toxicity in my home.  But I can't.  I understand that is my issue with my past, but I can't just leave Makenzie behind....left to deal with the madness by herself.  What will become of her?  I know what it feels like to feel abandoned by your dad.  Little girls need their Daddy.  And she doesn't have a man like my step-dad in her life.  She doesn't have (no, not perfect) but an AMAZING mom who can teach her how to actually be a productive, loving, caring human being.  If we stop trying because the other person makes it so incredibly hard then what does that do to Makenzie?  Do we continue to pour our hearts & souls, our tears & not to mention thousands of dollars into something that..what..will it make a difference?  Will it even matter?  I'd like to think that someday Makenzie will see this all for herself.  That she will see and feel the difference between the 2 places & that she will understand that we have tried.  We couldn't have tried any harder had we cut open a vein and bleed.  Our lives have been consumed for years with being Makenzie's voice, looking out for her best interest and defending ourselves from attack after unfathomable attack.  When does it end? 

Sometimes I think that the fact that I don't have children and dealing with all of this is my cross to bear for something I've done wrong in the past.  I'll bear it if that's what it is.  I just hope it makes a difference.  I hope it's not in vain.  For James and Makenzie's sake.....

I'm baaaccck!! I guess ;o)

Well everyone, I think it's obvious it's been a while. QUITE a while :o). For those of you that have actually missed it, I guess I'm blogging again. Or at least will try to. I just have to say the month of March has ROYALLY sucked! Just throwing that out there. It has been long, full of sickness, ridiculous people and just nonsense. So needless to say, I'm glad it's really close to being over. First of all I have to say that I am SO happy for all the wives who have recently had their husbands home and those whos husbands are home now. With that said....I wish they could just stay here and the rest come home already lol. Ok, so back to reality ;o) I actually do have quite a bit to say, but honestly, I'm watching myself (or should I say my mouth) closely here lately. I get that no matter what, all of us have a lot of things going on in our lives and we all have problems. What I don't understand is why people see the need to take all that out on other people. I was raised to love my friends no matter what. If you consider someone a friend, then obviously there has been a moment in time when you saw something in that person worthy of being your friend. When does that change? When do people decided that friend is no longer "worthy" of their respect & consideration?? Last time I checked, we were all on the same "side" here....are we not anymore?? It still blows my mind how you can stand side by side with someone for so long and then in the blink of an eye, you can just turn your back on them. Did you ever really know them at all?? Did you ever care to? It is a sad fact, really, that you have to learn how people really are when now is the time to be more supportive and understanding than ever. It still makes me sad that so many things are going on in my life and I have no control over them. I can't really say to some people what I would like to. But I have learned in the past that people will come and go and only the true ones who stand by your side and support you will remain. Only time will tell who is still standing beside us in the future. Maybe some people have become jaded. Maybe they think they are better....I'll never know. But it's clear to me that if these people were who I thought they were, then they would never say the things they have. I don't know, maybe I just want to say shame on you. Shame on you for not standing up for someone who has bent over backwards for SO many people....someone who gives everything they have and would do anything to help anyone. I'm so very thankful for those of you who have remembered and stood by someone that they KNOW is a damn good person and friend!



I've thought about it a lot over the past few days and my first reaction was anger and the desire to push everyone away. But I'd like to think I'm more compassionate and understanding than that. I'm going to continue to be supportive. I promise to help hold you up when you are weak, because that's what REAL friends and caring people do. I promise to listen to you if you need to talk and I promise that I WILL cry with you when you just can't be strong anymore. I promise not to turn my back on you and hurt you the way you have hurt us. I promise to pray for you, even if you don't believe in my prayers, I DO. I promise to be the friend and person that you were supposed to be, but abandoned at the first sign of difficulty. I promise you.....when you need me, I WILL be here.


I guess that's all. I've probably said too much, but then.....I'm sure I'll hear all about it through the "grapevine" ;o)




✞❤ ☮~ONE LOVE!!
"In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends." -John Churton Collins

Just a few things I wanted to post.....

Deployment Prayer

Dear Lord:
Give me the strength to say goodbye. Hold back the tear in my eye.
Cure my insomnia so that I may sleep alone. Give me a reason to awake when I’ve none.


Dear Lord:
Please help me pace myself. Allow me to turn to you for help,
And please let me be strong for him, Even if I’ve reached the brim.

Dear Lord:
Please make time go fast. I don’t know how long I can last.
This is the hardest time of my life, But this is my job: the soldier’s wife.


Dear Lord:


Let them all stay strong. Give them the will to go on,
And Lord, Please bring back all our men. In the name of our country. Amen.
~By Leanne Thomas~

A Military Wife in the Army of One
You aren’t issued with the uniform, boots and weapon,

But you are one lady no one should step on.

It usually goes “With this ring, I thee wed,”

But add in “Even if it means me in an empty bed.”

“and the weeks in the field with many late nights,”

“which will at some point lead to fights.”

Yes, a military wife is courageous and strong,

Even when the days seem so long.

When you feel like you’re at your wits end,

You “Suck it up” and start to mend.

You learn the Army language,

All those acronyms, “How can I manage.”

PX, AAFES, LES, MOS - the list goes on and on,

All those letters would make an ordinary woman yawn.

But those letters are part of your life,

The life of a proud military wife.

You move too much and decorate too little,

Because you always seem to leave in the middle.

Don’t get too settled and make lots of friends

Because home is wherever the Army sends.

And then one day the orders come down,

Your husband soon will be leaving town.

“Up to 365 days or until mission complete”

You know your heart just skipped a beat.

You stare at the orders in front of you,

This was a possibility you always knew.

Now life takes on new meaning

And the tears start streaming.

You hug each other tight and kiss farewell,

How you feel, words could never tell.

You go back to an empty home,

And try not to sit by the phone.

You wait, wonder and worry,

And hope this year goes by in a hurry.

Things are different now.

You’ll do things you once did not know how.

Yellow ribbons are a new accessory,

You make your outfit match- it is a necessity

You cry when the National Anthem is played,

And you get your child that much needed band-aid.

You have your daily chores, as always,

Except now you’re the only one to sweep the hallways.

You’re “IT”- the only one

But you do it and try to have fun.

You say your prayers and wish on a star in the sky,

When he’s back in your arms, you’ll forget the year that went by.

And you’ll think how strong you had become,
When you were truly the army of “one.”
~Letisha E Wheeler October 16, 2005~
***********************************************
The Soldier's Spouse Creed



I am in love with a United States Soldier. I will support him in his defense of the Constitution of the United States of America. And I will understand that he must obey the orders of those appointed over him. I represent the true backbone and fighting spirit of the Army. And for those who have served before me I salute you with all the strength and loyalty my heart can muster. I proudly stand by the one I love with Honor, Courage and Commitment. I am committed to support my soldier and the United States Army.
**************
The Silent Ranks



I wear no uniforms, no blues or greens.
But, I am in the military, in the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank upon my shoulders. Salutes I do not give.
But in the military world is where I live and am rarely seen.
I am not in the chain of command, orders I do not give or get.
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget.
I am not the one who fires a weapon, Who puts his life on the line.
But my job is just as tough, I’m the one who is always left behind.
My husband is a patriot, a brave and pride filled man.
And the call to serve his country not all can understand.
Behind the lines, I see things needed to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do my kids and me.
I love the man I married. The military is his life.
So I pledge to support my hero and stand among the silent ranks known as
THE MILITARY WIFE.

*I'll post a real blog tonight....hopefully!  LOL  I have quite a bit to say, but not much time to sit here & say it.  I hope everyone has a BLESSED day.  As you can tell, the guys, all the spouses & prayer is weighing HEAVY on my mind today.  I love you all & hope time is flying by fast for all you wives.  ((HUGS))

☮One Love!!☮

****************

Getting the hang of things......

It's been a while since I've blogged.....I haven't really had time...or the energy.  Actually, if I'm really honest about it, I just didn't want to cry  LOL.  I do enough of that off & on as it is  lol I don't need to do it to myself  :oP  Day 4 is almost over & I'm thankful for that.  James & I were talking & we agreed that we'll be happy when we are in the triple digits lol.  Life is stressful sometimes, but it's harder when you don't have that one person.....the one that can just make everything else go away.  I miss my husband.  But I think that's obvious ;o)  But the thing about it is that there are SO many people who have it worse than I do....so I can't really complain.  I can miss my husband & cry if I need to, but complaining really isn't an option.  I mean really....what would that do?  That's right, nothing.  So I wait.  That's all.  Being here helps though.  I'm busy in ways that I think I never really thought about before.  I would have never been cutting, peeling & canning tomatoes!  And the little things like busting out the MP3 player & vacuuming the floors is a welcomed distraction.  I like those things.  The days do seem to be going by fast, although James isn't in country yet.  So that & the fact that each day is always a little different, it'll always be just one day at a time.  That's the only way I've found to 'survive' this.  Too much more can just be overwhelming.  365.  That is a LOT!!!! And that hurts so....moving on!  LOL 

James is doing well.  As well as can be expected.  He (& the other guys) have to get in a certain mindset.  People tell me they can't imagine how we (military wives) do what we do.  All I can say, I can't imagine doing what he is doing.  I'm SO proud of my husband.  And I'm VERY proud of our life & I'm thankful for so much.  Most military wives will tell you this is a love/hate relationship.  It is.  I LOVE the life we live & I love the fact that we do & see so much!  And most of the wives I know will tell you that it is an AMAZING family!!  But then there's training, late nights, weekends, staff duty, politics...and of course, deployment.  With all that said, I absolutely love Army life.  I never dreamed I would be living like this.  I'm also thankful for the lessons I've learned and the things I've seen & done that have completely changed my perspective on so many things. I see life in a whole new way than I did.....even 2 years ago.  I LOVE that!!!  I've grown as a person.  Spiritually, emotionally, mentally.....it's great!  :o)  I'm not nearly the person I want to be, but I'm working on it.  LOL  I'm only human ;o)  Today has been good.....hopefully tomorrow will be the same or better.  I'm not sure when I'll talk to my husband again.  I hope they get settled in quickly, a schedule forms & we get an address.  That'll make me happy  :o) 

Ok....going to watch When in Rome with my sister.  We've watched it once already but it is sooo good!!  Sorry I didn't get to watch it with you Stef.  But you were right!!  :o)  I hope everyone has a great week & I hope it goes by fast for us wives!! 

One Love!!!

Things that make you go Hmmmmm.... ;oP

I don't understand why people willingly put SO much of themselves on the line for others to be their judge & jury. Why would you base YOUR self worth or YOUR happiness off of the opinion of another person? Sorry, but NO ONE determines MY happiness or self worth other than ME! And the way I see it, if people would stop expecting SO much out of other people & just accept people for who they are, you'll be a LOT less disappointed....a LOT more often. JMO :o)   There are people in my life that I have just had to accept them the way they are.  I don't expect any more out of them than what they have proven they can give.  Honestly though....I've learned not to expect much from people these days anyway.  It's actually very liberating.  More people should try it :o) 

James finished packing today.....I'm not really sure how I feel about it yet.  I feel like we are limbo.  And being in limbo is never really a pleasant thing, right?  I'm just thankful we are on THIS side of it.  At least he is here being delayed and not THERE & being delayed.  Thank God for that!  I know that very few days from now, he will be on a plane, headed to Afghanistan........& I will be SO incredibly empty.  I'm actually not sure there's a word to describe the feeling.  Empty just seems to be the most fitting.  I can tell he is getting a little antsy.  Although I'm not sure that's a very fitting word either LOL.  I can tell it's weighing on his mind.  I wish I could take all of that from him.  I pray God grants him peace.....& that he always knows how much I love him & how VERY proud I am of him!!!  I tell him all the time that I'll be ok...just as long as he is safe. 

The closer we get to "the day" the more anxious I get.  I'm scared, sad, unsure.....well, you name it LOL  I wonder what that day will be like for me.  Will I be in shock & float through it on autopilot?  Will I be a basket case who can't stop crying (& everyone wishes they would lol)  I'm hoping I just accept it, process it all & try to deal with all of this....the best way I know how.  People have asked me several times what they can do for me.  Honestly....I have no idea.  The only thing I can think of would be prayers.  We will take all the prayers we can get.  I think I'm done for the night.  I have been SO exhausted here lately & I'm not sure why.  Going to spend some quality time with the hubs & watch Con Air.  I hope everyone is having a great week & I hope all my fellow Army wives are enjoying this time with their hubbys & for those whos husbands are already deployed.....You're ALWAYS in my thoughts & prayers!!!  I hope the time flies for you!!! 

☮ One Love!!! ☮